Journey (3rd Anniv meeting of Free Assoc Writing Group) 10/19/2019

Where do I begin? I was new and small once and I knew very little of the world. I don't remember looking into my mother's eyes then but I'm sure that I did. I enjoy doing that even now, although I see her very infrequently. I do not remember looking at a cat and learning that it was called cat or looking at fire and learning that it was too hot to touch and would one day take a friend of mine who got too close. His name was Charlie and I barely remember what he looked like but I will never forget him.

I find it interesting, a little disturbing and confusing actually, that some people remember good things from early and some remember things from very early. I really only remember bad and painful things. I remember feeling dark and lonely and like I would always be a disappointment, no matter what I did or how hard I tried. Those moments are like snapshots, little moments of sadness caught in time in black and white or fading color and bordered in white. They are in a shoebox in my mind. The box is fairly empty. I don't know where the other photos are or even if they were ever captured in the first place.

During recent therapy, I was encouraged to go back and see the pictures for what they are. Little frozen moments of my reactions to my environment and to those around me. It made me uncomfortable even though I was trying to be brave and jump into a pool of healing waters. I eventually stopped going. I had had enough of dealing head-on with my past and the pain that was dredged up along with the memories.

All of that was done 2 years prior, after I'd had about enough of the big bad wolf of life. I needed help because even though I was prepared to throw in the towel, I knew that I should not. Not yet anyway. That was my reasoning behind finding the help. I know it was the right thing to do at the time. If I decide to later on, I know that towel is still there to be thrown. But the skills that I developed and the understanding of self and my inner monsters were, and are, vastly helpful and have gotten me through some very difficult times since then. Current times, current troubles, current monsters. I can combat them and fight them. And I know that they are not real. I can't think too hard about that angle because what IS real, after all. My reality is my perception. My perception is different because of 8 weeks of the intensity of going back in time, armed with a shovel and an unending box of tissues, again alone but this time I felt supported by others who were battling their own monsters.

There is a feeling, I don't know what to call it, when you are among others who have had a similar break in their reality, in their ability to cope, in their desire to continue. Our experiences were all different and yet we all sympathized and empathized as best we could from our own points of being. I found it very easy to lend support to others. To console somebody in the hallway as they wept uncontrollably. I rarely had the right words but I visualized part of my soul and my own broken heart reaching out to embrace the broken person in my arms.

I am so thankful that that is a part of me that has always been there, that developed in spite of my own experiences as a child. I could have turned out black-hearted and uncaring, walls up and self-centered. But I did not. I am a giving, caring person who sees and understands what pain and darkness, what despair and loneliness, does to a person.

I matter, you matter. We all have a place and a purpose. We are here to find and develop our passions and to become happy. We touch those around us with our souls and they do the same to others. We are to keep it going.

Energy

Free Assoc
10/5/2019

The word: ENERGY

What does it take to get out of bed?
What does it take to share what's in my head?
What do I look for in myself every day.
It's the word of the day, I suppose.
No, really.

Energy is vibration
It is what we all have contained within our random suits of skin that ambulate us around this planet, this time around.

Energy is what is never-beginning and never-ending
It is what motivates and causes action and reaction
It is cause and effect, it is the consequence of our intention

Some say that our energy contained within is what many call the soul.I kind of like the sound and feel of that.I feel that, when I am through here, when my time is up and I get to move on to the next adventure, I will carry my energy with me.

I don't mean my experiences, I am referring to how my energy has affected me as a sentient being. I know I won't remember coming here in the next life, and maybe I'll be a llama or a dandelion instead, but I like to imagine, to close my eyes and think of the handful of good and positive and pleasant moments that I can recall, the bits and pieces that I consider to be my puzzle pieces. Back to what I was saying, perhaps in the next, I will feel comfort and brotherhood/sisterhood/otherhood in a group of like-minded folk (or herd of llama or patch of dandelion)and be able to create a larger awareness.

I'm diving too deep into this, too early and with no caffeine yet.

Positive energy is the greatest thing ever. Negative energy is like an atomic bomb. It's like a sniper above a crowd. And it can also create more than the sum of it's whole quite easily. Negative energy is harder, harsher, it's barbed and it cuts into anyone it touches. People seem to be more open to accepting and soaking up negative energy. I think it's easier because there is so much wrong today, so much that is bad and destructive and, dare I say, evil.

When I come across the negative, I tend to want to confront it with the opposite, the positive, the good that can happen, but I tend to do it with anger and sarcasm and blame toward those responsible for the negativity. But by doing so, by presenting my opinion about the underlying problem, and those responsible, I fear I become negative in my presentation. And my ideas for turning things around to become healing and good sometime turn into demanding statements. Even if my message is one of helping and healing, I have become part of the problem by meeting that negative energy with my own negativity head on. And I think that diminishes any power my message may carry.

I don't know....

When I see news stories of people dying in cages, being withheld the simple things needed for basic survival, when I see the rights of certain groups stripped away methodically and maliciously, when I see the infrastructure of our society, delicate as it is and barely held together these days, I cannot say "Why can't we get along? Please can we just be nice, live and let live, allow others the freedoms we wish for ourselves?"
I cannot help but react with rage and disgust, with my blood rising I feel the need to destroy that which is destructive. I want to kill those who are killing. There is a heat inside me that would die to make things better.

But again, that is negative energy. What the hell is the solution then? We must make our positive energy as strong as the negative. That means one thing only. We have to join our positivity together until it becomes greater than the negativity. I think about this idea, how we are all individuals, how hard it is to truly band together in like-mindedness and I wonder how long it will take until the negativity and destruction submits.

I have a feeling this is the type of frustrated energy I might be carrying into the next realm. One of my favorite lines from a song says "Knowledge comes with death's release." It may sound morose to some, but it makes me feel warm and I anticipate this moment.