4.27.19
Prompt: Inside
This is what you see
Talkative me
Boisterous me
Excitable, funny, adventurous me
But inside I live with my doubts
All these doubts fueled by so many voices
I doubt my abilities
I doubt my likability
I doubt a happy future
I take my meds every day
Most days that I can get out of bed, that is
I try and try and I sometimes fail
I keep that shame and guilt inside
I don't want to burden anyone with it
I don't want to scare anyone with it
I don't want to embarrass myself
Or expose my vulnerability
This wall of mine Is showing cracks
After all these years
After all these places and faces
After all these wins and fails
After all these hours of therapy
I'm in the process now, I hope
Of chipping away at the hard surface
Of my wall from the inside
Thinning it out and seeing through those cracks
I find this activity both motivating and petrifying
I know from experience
There is excitement in facing the unknown
In recreating myself, in emerging from a chrysalis
So many times I've done this
But now I need to concentrate, to focus
On not creating another persona
But becoming myself
Becoming comfortable in my own skin
Become confident in my abilities
I need to learn to like myself and respect
What I stand for and what I stand up for
Funny how I've been needing this for years
Through so much darkness and pain
And it's always been inside me
These thoughts and plans
But I keep all of tucked away
Wrapped up in my procrastination and fear
Swaddled tight and feeling safe when
What is really happening is I am
Hiding it all inside my wall
My hope, as I continue to chip away from the inside
Is that it has been eroding from the outside as well
Monday, April 29, 2019
Saturday, April 6, 2019
Free Assoc Group 4.6.19 DISCONNECT
Free Association Group - 04.06.2019
Random word: Disconnect
These last 3 weeks. These last 3 weeks have been excruciating and damaging in so many ways. All the plans I've been writing out in list form, the indoor projects, the outdoor projects, the little chores I always think about in the middle of the night when I am laying there, tossing and turning, moaning and holding my head in my hands (wishing I could crush it like a walnut), those lists now consume many pages in my notepad that is always with me. I physically and mentally cannot tackly even the smallest task. It is impossible currently.
I make appointments and have to cancel them if it is sunny outside. I have to cancel them when I wake up to that shotgun blast to the face of blinding pain, like an electrical storm is raging within me. I have to cancel them when I vomit up the three sips of water that I just drank. I stand and I my body sways to and fro, I don't know what center is, I can't get my bearings. The blood comes rushing to my ears and temples and behind my eyes. I have had these types of pain before. They are normal for normal migraines. 3 solid weeks of 8 and over on the pain scale is not normal. It is on the verge of being truly intolerable. I have been having the thought that I am glad I don't have a gun in the house. I know my general mental state and that it would most likely be a bad idea to have on within reach. I'm not frightened by that thought. What I am is concerned and aware that my mind is in a state of deterioration at the moment. Pain can only go on so long. Relentless severe pain from the neck up makes it easy to believe death is coming...either by my own hand or by the pain itself, or by whatever it is that gives this monster in my head shelter and free rein inside me.
I have spent so many days in my room, in bed, no music, no television, no computer, no light source or sound of any kind. My skin is on fire. Every smell is amplified and not quite what it is supposed to be. I haven't been able to eat. I can barely drink water. I was able to drive my self to the ER on the 24th. They immediately put me on an IV drip to hydrate me. I was there for almost 6 hours. They did everything they could think of. We stopped short of a "lumbar punch". That used to be known as a spinal tap. Why did they change the name? Because of the movie? The term "Lumbar Punch" sounds way worse. It sounds like a violent and very intrusive painful procedure.
I cannot talk on the phone. The pain from the vibration of my cranium because of the sound emitting from me is too much. I can't talk to family and those that I love. I get too emotional and the frustration and fear and loss of hope and will are too much and I break down. I scared the shit out of my mom 4 days ago when I was finally able to spend time talking with her on the phone about the other terrible things that are going on in my life right now. I lost control. I sobbed. I screamed. I didn't mean to, but I released all the pent up fear and frustration and anger and lack of hope and will that I have right now. She's never seen that side of me. When I had my breakdown 2 years ago, I was here in MN and the rest of my family was scattered around the country. Their homes. I don't usually feel dark or empty living here with no-one nearby that is more than a friend. I've lived my life that way because of all my moving around the country. The adventure and life experience has always been more important. I just don't think I'm meant to secure a root in any particular place. Sometimes it just hits you though, you know?
My current disconnection from environment and life is different than previous times. This is not me falling into a rabbit-hole of despair or self-hatred or not wanting to live. This disconnection is due to this level of pain that has isolated me since I can't venture outside the house. If it's sunny, I can't go near a window. I cannot make plans. If I have do make, or have made, plans...I'd say there is an 85% I have to cancel out of necessity. I fear my friends will disappear, I fear I will do myself in from the pain, I fear I will never be the same, be able to write, go back to the gym, take a walk in the woods. I don't want to be permanently scarred by this but I can feel myself changing drastically, I can feel the open wounds, gaping and searing. I can sense that a good and positive part of me is fading away into the background. My creativity and command of language are far away from me. That is what scares me the most. I need my outlet. I need my ability to self-express. I need this to live.
Random word: Disconnect
These last 3 weeks. These last 3 weeks have been excruciating and damaging in so many ways. All the plans I've been writing out in list form, the indoor projects, the outdoor projects, the little chores I always think about in the middle of the night when I am laying there, tossing and turning, moaning and holding my head in my hands (wishing I could crush it like a walnut), those lists now consume many pages in my notepad that is always with me. I physically and mentally cannot tackly even the smallest task. It is impossible currently.
I make appointments and have to cancel them if it is sunny outside. I have to cancel them when I wake up to that shotgun blast to the face of blinding pain, like an electrical storm is raging within me. I have to cancel them when I vomit up the three sips of water that I just drank. I stand and I my body sways to and fro, I don't know what center is, I can't get my bearings. The blood comes rushing to my ears and temples and behind my eyes. I have had these types of pain before. They are normal for normal migraines. 3 solid weeks of 8 and over on the pain scale is not normal. It is on the verge of being truly intolerable. I have been having the thought that I am glad I don't have a gun in the house. I know my general mental state and that it would most likely be a bad idea to have on within reach. I'm not frightened by that thought. What I am is concerned and aware that my mind is in a state of deterioration at the moment. Pain can only go on so long. Relentless severe pain from the neck up makes it easy to believe death is coming...either by my own hand or by the pain itself, or by whatever it is that gives this monster in my head shelter and free rein inside me.
I have spent so many days in my room, in bed, no music, no television, no computer, no light source or sound of any kind. My skin is on fire. Every smell is amplified and not quite what it is supposed to be. I haven't been able to eat. I can barely drink water. I was able to drive my self to the ER on the 24th. They immediately put me on an IV drip to hydrate me. I was there for almost 6 hours. They did everything they could think of. We stopped short of a "lumbar punch". That used to be known as a spinal tap. Why did they change the name? Because of the movie? The term "Lumbar Punch" sounds way worse. It sounds like a violent and very intrusive painful procedure.
I cannot talk on the phone. The pain from the vibration of my cranium because of the sound emitting from me is too much. I can't talk to family and those that I love. I get too emotional and the frustration and fear and loss of hope and will are too much and I break down. I scared the shit out of my mom 4 days ago when I was finally able to spend time talking with her on the phone about the other terrible things that are going on in my life right now. I lost control. I sobbed. I screamed. I didn't mean to, but I released all the pent up fear and frustration and anger and lack of hope and will that I have right now. She's never seen that side of me. When I had my breakdown 2 years ago, I was here in MN and the rest of my family was scattered around the country. Their homes. I don't usually feel dark or empty living here with no-one nearby that is more than a friend. I've lived my life that way because of all my moving around the country. The adventure and life experience has always been more important. I just don't think I'm meant to secure a root in any particular place. Sometimes it just hits you though, you know?
My current disconnection from environment and life is different than previous times. This is not me falling into a rabbit-hole of despair or self-hatred or not wanting to live. This disconnection is due to this level of pain that has isolated me since I can't venture outside the house. If it's sunny, I can't go near a window. I cannot make plans. If I have do make, or have made, plans...I'd say there is an 85% I have to cancel out of necessity. I fear my friends will disappear, I fear I will do myself in from the pain, I fear I will never be the same, be able to write, go back to the gym, take a walk in the woods. I don't want to be permanently scarred by this but I can feel myself changing drastically, I can feel the open wounds, gaping and searing. I can sense that a good and positive part of me is fading away into the background. My creativity and command of language are far away from me. That is what scares me the most. I need my outlet. I need my ability to self-express. I need this to live.
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