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Saturday, February 16, 2019

THREAD - Free Assoc Group 2019.02.16


Free Assoc Group 2019.02.16
Prompt – THREAD

There is a constant thread that runs throughout one's life. I don't ever realize it until afterward. They say hindsight is 20/20. I think that goes not only for what I should have done or what I should have said. It also is applicable to seeing that things are connected. All the events, decisions, directions, actions, reactions, etc.

Sure, we change and evolve as we meander through our lives. But no matter where we go, what we do, who we meet, etc., there is a thread of connection and consistency.

As someone who is trying to capture some of the previous chapters of my life in words and prose, trying to make linear sense of it all, I am seeing that my mental health is more than a little responsible for that thread of consistency and inconsistency that unrolls itself from the spool of Day 1 to Days are Done.

My recent discoveries with help from certain programs and current therapists have been making me realize that a great number of my issues, from depression, self-defeating actions, inability to finish projects, lack of self-confidence and self-worth, propensity toward suicidal thought from time to time, actually and factually are stemming from PTSD that first started forming when I was very, very young, from home life and throughout primary education years, pre-school to end of high school, and intermittently beyond through my 20s, 30s, 40s, and even now in my 50s.

I have been diagnosed, misdiagnosed and rediagnosed over and over and over again. This has resulted in a cornucopia of medications, therapy techniques, mental health programs, personal suffering, sometimes violent confusion, a lot of dark times and some times of surprising positivity. Nothing ever lasts. It's always a struggle. I get that. Still, like now for instance, the knowledge that it probably won't last forever is not helping the fact that I am floundering in the darkness, in a thick, black pool that pulls at my feet while I struggle to keep my head above the surface. Sometimes I just want to let go. I try to keep wanting to not let go. Some days are harder than others.

I didn't really expect the thread that ran through my life to be one of razor wire, rusted and writhing. But if it is, I have to get and stay prepared to fight against it. It's really difficult. Right now, I feel myself being blown against it by strong winds of bad luck, thoughts like “is it really worth it anymore”, inability to access my creativity which is something that always keeps me a little more sane even if what I write, draw, make, play, sing, is on the morose side. I'm feeling torn at, scratched and barbed, dark and empty and alone and wanting to be alone.

This is temporary, I know. I hope anyway. I know myself happy and I know myself sad. This is sad me. I have to work to stay lucid. I have to work to come up with reasons to want to be better. I am determined to do that. Maybe that little string that I hold onto, the one that runs alongside the razor wire that I'm tethered to, maybe that string is the thread that will be the one that saves me. They will both always be there. I just hope that I can hold tight to the string in my hand even while I am caught and cut by the destructive thread that cuts and makes me bleed.
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There is that little voice that is telling me that this is temporary. But I know that, for some, it is not temporary, it is what compels them to make that final decision. I came so close to making that decision. So closed that it scared the hell out of me. And I got help and I got better. But I find myself in that arena again. Things aren't going well for me or this country or this planet. First world problems for the most part, I get it. But things are so shitty right now and I can see them descending down the toilet bowl. Is there any hope? Is there a bottom that we are going to hit and then bounce back as the species we can be. I don't know. Some days I want to

Saturday, February 9, 2019

Silo story - Marjorie

Choose 3: scapegoat, vigilance, motor, boat, reveal - Writing Assignment Meetup - Thurs, Feb 22

People were affected by the bombings in two distinctly different ways. Many were in the midst of the chaos; window glass exploding up and down the high-rises and from the houses alike and raining down like glittering knives, vehicles pushed violently back and into and onto one another, those unlucky enough to be in close proximity either died nearly immediately as the realization and the radiation hit them or, worse, were far enough, yet close enough, to nearly be barbecued alive. Oddly enough, many of the highly populated and bombed areas saw burn victims with intricate or splashy patterns upon their skin; the effect of thermal radiation being reflected more by white or lightly colored cloth than the darker colors, which absorbed more of the heat, thereby creating more severe burns to the skin. There were a few surviving photographs which showed women with gingham or flower patterned burns and men with Hawaiian shirt or buffalo checked burns on one side of their bodies, the one that was turned toward the blast when it happened. Their faces were always turned away in the snapshots but were all the same. They were covered in liquid-filled blisters, peeling layers of epidermis, and a general over-baked deep red hue. The pain must have been unbearable.

The other folks, those that lived farther away from the target cities, in smaller towns and even farther out into the countryside, would all recall that day in stages. They became aware of a seismic disturbance, looked up from what they were doing at the time and glanced around and finally to their horizons. The moment they spied that mushroom cloud rise, bloom and spread, their bodies reacted in similar ways. Adrenaline pumped from the adrenal glands, heart and breathing rates increased as did blood pressure, the emotions of fear, dread and disbelief flowed amongst the jagged edges of confusion and inability to process the event as a reality. Depending on their distance from the blast, it became windy. The kind of arid wind that was too hot and that one could taste on the tongue. Crops no longer flourished, birds no longer sang.
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After the surface environment was laid to waste, the remaining folks had to figure out how to rebuild a sense of community. They had to recreate a societal structure that they were all familiar enough with but that could sustain life without the constant danger of radiation bombardment, although they were not sure exactly how bad it was out there, along with the challenges of living in a confined space without the desire to eventually tear each other apart and how to recreate the things they needed to not only keep them alive but to allow them to flourish going forward.

The basics, shelter, food, water and air. These were things that needed to be tackled first. Or were they? Since the community had descended underground, into the now empty ICBM silo, they needed light as well. Luckily there were some among them, those that did not cause a commotion by demanding to be in charge. Rather those that naturally had the smarts, the logic, the charisma and the social skills to be seen as natural leaders. They were adept at putting forth challenges in a simplified way, even the very difficult ones, so that everyone could understand what was needed. This helped immensely in identifying the groups that would need to be created as they moved forward to rebuild.

They needed farmers and engineers, mechanics and medical personnel, those that could think and those that could do. After the initial panic subsided and the reality of the situation set in, people began to settle into more of a daily routine.

There was a lot of planning, a lot of brain-storming. As luck would have it, there was one farmer who was quite knowledgeable in hydroponic agriculture. That was a phenomenal start. The rations that were brought down were running low and everyone was craving fresh food. There were engineers that specialized in water treatment, and air quality. There were technical and analytical whizkids. It seemed that those in this group consisted of a lot of people who were fresh and innovative in their fields. This would serve them well going forward.

It was essential to tackle the problem of space. They could not all live within the same square footage. It was just not possible nor would the peace be kept for long were they all living like little fish in a tin.

So they started blueprinting their existing space and making plans for digging into the sides of the silo at different levels. These would not only provide living quarters for different factions but also keep them closer to where along the depth of the silo they would work. The machinery that would keep the air purified and invigorating would be near the bottom as would the motorworks that would provide the power essential to keep everything, water, air, power, flowing through the entirety of the structure like a heart pumping blood through a living organism. That is what this project would have to become. A living organism. Technology would be closer to the surface. Food production, somewhere between.

There were two surface levels that, back when the nuclear scare became real enough, had been added and then sealed. These would be the only levels that could receive natural sunlight. They would essentially serve as common areas. The plan was to make them where meals were eaten and where hope, creativity and innovation through community interaction would flourish.


And so, for the first year or so, there was construction among the destruction. Planning went well and the physical execution was orderly and cooperative.
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Marjorie is in charge of keeping the motorworks running smoothly. The system is old and many of the working parts are obsolete, but it is imperative as it provides the lower levels with fresh air pumped in at the proper levels as well as the nightly distribution of nitrous oxide through the ventilation system to calm and control the populus.

Marjorie unearthed the old operations and service manuals that explain how the motors function, the parts...how they function and interact with each other. However, the manuals are in the old language. Only those who have a link to the old language through the storytellers and passing along of family history written down through the ages has the capacity to understand that language, more obsolete even than the motorworks. The diagrams are coherent but, in order to really comprehend, one needed to have a grasp of the written language as well as basic mechanical knowledge of the motorworks that keep the services on the surface as well as the necessity of the life supporting system of the chambers below ground. 

Marjorie had always been a clever girl. When she was but a child, she enjoyed passing time in the company of books. She had been able, at a tender age, of deciphering many of the marks and symbols on pages of books long forgotten and discarded. By noticing patterns in the "words" and comparing the "words" with illustrations that seemed to be connected to them somehow, she was able to teach herself a more than rudimentary understanding of the information in the volumes she secreted away.
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Prompt word - Bright

Marjorie ascended from the silo on creaky, rusting stairs. Her footfalls echoed downward and back up again. It was a creepy sound that she had grown accustomed to. There were so few people left that she could tell who was approaching simply by the sound their shoes made on the steps. She needed to get to her quarters to change out of her dirty work clothes and wash the film of grease from her face and scrub her nails clean before she felt ready to join the rest in the common area.

Reaching the level that contained the living quarters for the manual laborers, she made her way to her room and turned the key in the old lock. The key always felt brittle, the lock like it was going to jam and break. Inside she peeled off her shirt and jeans and worked at the double knots on her workboots. Years ago, one of the engineers had fallen to his death because a shoelace had worked itself loose and he'd stepped on it while descending the stairway. Once over the railing there was no way to catch himself and he plummeted down into the blackness of the silo. Marjorie couldn't remember how long the body was down there before it was recovered. She knew it had been a while. Ever since then, and she was barely out of her teens when this occurred, she double tied her bootlaces.

She was almost out of the rough, lye soap that she had to use on her skin. It was the only thing that cut through the grease and sweat that she was coated in by the end of her day. And the goddamn grime under her nails. She wasn't too concerned with how she looked, in general, but she hated having that reminder that she was a manual laborer. So she scrubbed and scrubbed. Sometimes her fingertips were red and sore at dinner gathering. She made herself a note to request another bar from the commissary. The price had probably gone up but she needed it so she would forego something else if she had to in order to afford it. Marjorie had few belongings but it didn't really bother her. She came from one of the poorer families and had worked her way up to a higher position currently than her father or mother ever had.

She missed her family. Sometimes very deeply. Her father had died on the job. the button had come off his cuff and the loose material had gotten caught in the gears of the mechanism in the lower level. It took only a moment but he was badly mangled He didn't even make it to the level the medical facility was on before his eyes went blank and he went still and limp. He'd always said they should have a medic closer to the manual laborers since their injuries were usually more severe than those in engineering or even higher in the human services levels. He'd proven his theory, however there had been no effort to place a medic lower in the silo. It seemed the laborers didn't garner much importance to those in power, even though they were the ones than kept the entire place humming with power, water, and fresh air. The lowest levels benefited the highest and yet they did not seem to care.

Marjorie checked her watch, her father's watch, and saw it was time to go. If you were late to the dinner gathering, you could be left with barely more than scraps. Again, that usually was experienced only by the lower level dwellers since it took so much longer to ascend. She locked up her room and joined the swiftly moving stream of people, moving up and up the stairs. It was this type of foot traffic that caused the most unpleasant noises. So many people making so many pounding, metallic sounds on those steps. She sometimes wore her earplugs from work to drown out the excessive noise.







Thursday, February 7, 2019

OPEN 2

She awoke to the sound of rattling windows and that peculiar howling that always swooped down from the attic space. She chuckled at the childhood memory that it recalled. The old curtains were moving even though the windows were shut tight. "Next project," she thought, "is reglazing those windows and winterizing this place!" Her feet touched the cold floor and she shuffled to the window, rubbing her hands up and down her arms for warmth. Drawing aside the thin curtain, she saw that the storm that moved across the mountains last evening was a doozy. It had dumped what looked like over a foot of snow and with the assistance of the gusty wind, there were drifts up against the outbuilding that reached past the bottom of the window. She looked over to her car and saw that it was almost completely swallowed up by drifts on both sides. She recalled all the stories she'd heard growing up of monumental storms that would strand them for a week or two in the cabin and sent up a silent "thank you" for having them soak into her instincts. She had plenty of firewood, enough on the porch for a few days, and much more along the side of the barn/workshop. There were root vegetables and plenty of canned goods in the cellar. It wouldn't be gourmet food but she certainly would not go hungry any time soon.

From bad to better.

I very nearly committed suicide 2 years ago. A couple things happened in quick succession, things that pretty much defined me as a person. It destroyed me, broke my heart, broke my soul, broke me completely. I honestly felt that I had no reason to live anymore. After trying to rationalize away the only 2 reasons that I couldn't do it, I scared myself well enough to try desperately to keep me from doing it. I found ACT and, later, DBT. I worked hard to want to stay alive. I dealt with really unpleasant aspects of my past, my early childhood to young adulthood mostly since my pain and my opinion about myself stems directly from years of mental and physical abuse. I learned skills to deal with what life is for those with various mental illnesses. I struggle every day; sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. But I am dealing with things now well enough to not believe the horrible things about myself that live as other voices within my head. I'm on several meds, go to therapy pretty regularly, try to exercise at least 30-60 minutes daily. I know I need these things to stay "well." I am better though. I am better than I was.

Her many facets

Her grandiose scheme
tightens like a noose
swings in the breeze
rots with age

Her elixir of truth
cuts like a knife
sings like a song
falls by the way

Her capricious nature
breaks all your hearts
stings like a hornet
rocks you to sleep

Her discord of thought
drives away birds
gutters a flame
causes her pain

Her rapacious ways
leave thoughts full of fury
quiet the rabble
walk lonely away

Anterra alone with her dream

The morning sun streamed low through the trees, highlighting the fog from the lake and making the mist from the ferns glow golden as if magic was brewing. Anterra had awoken during the night and, unable to fall back to sleep, had found a comfortable spot at the mouth of the shallow cave. The rocks were softened by colorful patches of lichen and moss. Long, supple grasses surrounded the area, offering Anterra a spot, hidden from view yet given of a view of anything that might approach. The night was surprisingly mild, little breeze and no chill riding the draft. During her late watch, gazing up at the stars, she had fallen softly into a dream.

As she roused herself, refreshed and grateful for the open air that revitalized her head and spirit, she played the dream over in her head. It was important, Grai-El had told her time and again, to sift through the night stories that one creates, to be curious and to glean important information, answers to problems or questions. She had seen a cottage, in the woods apart from the rest of the tribe. It was beautifully adorned with intricate woodwork. Stones laid out in designs that she did not know made a wide and decorative border that surrounded the lovely little home. There was a garden, lush and full of herbs and medicinal plants, as well as vegetables and fruits to sustain her health while she continued to hone her gifts and crafts. In this dream, she was older. Grai-El was nowhere to be seen. Anterra surmised that perhaps Grai-El had passed into the next realm in the time of this dream. She saw herself gathering leaves and berries for some compound or recipe. She then stepped lightly to the front door of the cottage and entered.

Inside, it was just one room and it was nearly bare. A level floor made of hard-packed earth, the warm smell of beeswax as candles burned to offer light where needed. A chair, a cauldron over the fire in an enviable fireplace, a rustic waist-high table over which hung dozens of dried herbs and plants, some for cooking, some for combining into helpful tinctures, pastes and teas, and some merely for the pleasant aroma, like a late spring meadow, which hung in the air inside the cabin.

As Anterra made her way about the room, humming and seemingly doing a slow spinning dance and moving items from here to there, she began to perceive a low rumble that began in the earth beneath her feet and traveled up the walls to the roof, causing thatch to rain down and the drying rack to sway. Muddy water seeped up through the dirt and rose until it was over her knees. Her feet were being held in place by muck. A ball of fire descended from the height of the thatched roof and hundreds of lilies appeared on the surface of the water, blooming and releasing a sickly sweet scent. With the water lilies were lily pads. Anterra stepped up onto one of the pads and carefully made her way to the open window, which she climbed out of.

The forest floor was covered with leaves and needles from the trees for as far as she could see. The leaves were all green but the trees had shed them all. They were as bare as in the deepest of winter. It smelled of the cold. No birds sang in the branches. Indeed, no life could be detected by Anterra save for herself, alone and feeling isolated. She picked up a woven basket full of wildflowers. They seemed freshly picked but, when she touched them with her fingers, they disintegrated as if made of ice crystals.