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Saturday, October 19, 2019

Journey (3rd Anniv meeting of Free Assoc Writing Group) 10/19/2019

Where do I begin? I was new and small once and I knew very little of the world. I don't remember looking into my mother's eyes then but I'm sure that I did. I enjoy doing that even now, although I see her very infrequently. I do not remember looking at a cat and learning that it was called cat or looking at fire and learning that it was too hot to touch and would one day take a friend of mine who got too close. His name was Charlie and I barely remember what he looked like but I will never forget him.

I find it interesting, a little disturbing and confusing actually, that some people remember good things from early and some remember things from very early. I really only remember bad and painful things. I remember feeling dark and lonely and like I would always be a disappointment, no matter what I did or how hard I tried. Those moments are like snapshots, little moments of sadness caught in time in black and white or fading color and bordered in white. They are in a shoebox in my mind. The box is fairly empty. I don't know where the other photos are or even if they were ever captured in the first place.

During recent therapy, I was encouraged to go back and see the pictures for what they are. Little frozen moments of my reactions to my environment and to those around me. It made me uncomfortable even though I was trying to be brave and jump into a pool of healing waters. I eventually stopped going. I had had enough of dealing head-on with my past and the pain that was dredged up along with the memories.

All of that was done 2 years prior, after I'd had about enough of the big bad wolf of life. I needed help because even though I was prepared to throw in the towel, I knew that I should not. Not yet anyway. That was my reasoning behind finding the help. I know it was the right thing to do at the time. If I decide to later on, I know that towel is still there to be thrown. But the skills that I developed and the understanding of self and my inner monsters were, and are, vastly helpful and have gotten me through some very difficult times since then. Current times, current troubles, current monsters. I can combat them and fight them. And I know that they are not real. I can't think too hard about that angle because what IS real, after all. My reality is my perception. My perception is different because of 8 weeks of the intensity of going back in time, armed with a shovel and an unending box of tissues, again alone but this time I felt supported by others who were battling their own monsters.

There is a feeling, I don't know what to call it, when you are among others who have had a similar break in their reality, in their ability to cope, in their desire to continue. Our experiences were all different and yet we all sympathized and empathized as best we could from our own points of being. I found it very easy to lend support to others. To console somebody in the hallway as they wept uncontrollably. I rarely had the right words but I visualized part of my soul and my own broken heart reaching out to embrace the broken person in my arms.

I am so thankful that that is a part of me that has always been there, that developed in spite of my own experiences as a child. I could have turned out black-hearted and uncaring, walls up and self-centered. But I did not. I am a giving, caring person who sees and understands what pain and darkness, what despair and loneliness, does to a person.

I matter, you matter. We all have a place and a purpose. We are here to find and develop our passions and to become happy. We touch those around us with our souls and they do the same to others. We are to keep it going.

Monday, October 7, 2019

Energy

Free Assoc
10/5/2019

The word: ENERGY

What does it take to get out of bed?
What does it take to share what's in my head?
What do I look for in myself every day.
It's the word of the day, I suppose.
No, really.

Energy is vibration
It is what we all have contained within our random suits of skin that ambulate us around this planet, this time around.

Energy is what is never-beginning and never-ending
It is what motivates and causes action and reaction
It is cause and effect, it is the consequence of our intention

Some say that our energy contained within is what many call the soul.I kind of like the sound and feel of that.I feel that, when I am through here, when my time is up and I get to move on to the next adventure, I will carry my energy with me.

I don't mean my experiences, I am referring to how my energy has affected me as a sentient being. I know I won't remember coming here in the next life, and maybe I'll be a llama or a dandelion instead, but I like to imagine, to close my eyes and think of the handful of good and positive and pleasant moments that I can recall, the bits and pieces that I consider to be my puzzle pieces. Back to what I was saying, perhaps in the next, I will feel comfort and brotherhood/sisterhood/otherhood in a group of like-minded folk (or herd of llama or patch of dandelion)and be able to create a larger awareness.

I'm diving too deep into this, too early and with no caffeine yet.

Positive energy is the greatest thing ever. Negative energy is like an atomic bomb. It's like a sniper above a crowd. And it can also create more than the sum of it's whole quite easily. Negative energy is harder, harsher, it's barbed and it cuts into anyone it touches. People seem to be more open to accepting and soaking up negative energy. I think it's easier because there is so much wrong today, so much that is bad and destructive and, dare I say, evil.

When I come across the negative, I tend to want to confront it with the opposite, the positive, the good that can happen, but I tend to do it with anger and sarcasm and blame toward those responsible for the negativity. But by doing so, by presenting my opinion about the underlying problem, and those responsible, I fear I become negative in my presentation. And my ideas for turning things around to become healing and good sometime turn into demanding statements. Even if my message is one of helping and healing, I have become part of the problem by meeting that negative energy with my own negativity head on. And I think that diminishes any power my message may carry.

I don't know....

When I see news stories of people dying in cages, being withheld the simple things needed for basic survival, when I see the rights of certain groups stripped away methodically and maliciously, when I see the infrastructure of our society, delicate as it is and barely held together these days, I cannot say "Why can't we get along? Please can we just be nice, live and let live, allow others the freedoms we wish for ourselves?"
I cannot help but react with rage and disgust, with my blood rising I feel the need to destroy that which is destructive. I want to kill those who are killing. There is a heat inside me that would die to make things better.

But again, that is negative energy. What the hell is the solution then? We must make our positive energy as strong as the negative. That means one thing only. We have to join our positivity together until it becomes greater than the negativity. I think about this idea, how we are all individuals, how hard it is to truly band together in like-mindedness and I wonder how long it will take until the negativity and destruction submits.

I have a feeling this is the type of frustrated energy I might be carrying into the next realm. One of my favorite lines from a song says "Knowledge comes with death's release." It may sound morose to some, but it makes me feel warm and I anticipate this moment.

Saturday, September 14, 2019

Floating


I see motes floating in the shafts of sunlight that infiltrate my room between curtain panels. They glimmer like airborne snowy diamonds on a winter's day. The kind that is impossibly bright and ungodly cold. The sun above, the snow below. These drifting motes make me think of winter and smile.

I see gnats floating up ahead on the trail. They gather in little clouds and create pockets of nuisance for those on the trail, hikers mostly. Those on bikes can pass through almost without noticing. Those of us walking can see them up ahead; waiting, conspiring, drawing lots to see which try to go up noses or enter ear canals. I don't know about you, but I hold my breath and duck through as quickly as I can.

I see words in my head, floating and whirling. They tie and untie themselves freely. If I do not or can not pluck them out at the right time, they are lost. I imagine the inside of my cranium to be like a cave prone to tornadoes, easy prey to my destructive demons, resistant to order, dark in the corners.

I see my plans, my intention, my will float away on the gossamer wings of social anxiety. Pretty way to put it, but those wings are razor-edged and controlled by something so much a part of me that it is impossible to separate from and leave it behind so I can stick to my plans. The meds help but over all my years I have developed serious skills that squash the liberating effect that the tiny blue tablet brings me. It's also bitter as hell. Ironic, since I take my disappointment out on myself when I succomb to the weakness that keeps me at home, bitter about missing events and activities.

Saturday, August 17, 2019

Charge - Free Assoc Writers Group 08172019

Free Assoc 8/17/19
The word: CHARGE

Amelia left the house, her home she made with Bob and the kids, with a heavy heart. She also had the knowledge that she was making the right decision for herself. She carried her two suitcases out, set them down on the porch, and gently clicked the front door shut for the last time.

Looking over her shoulder and down, she made certain her stocking seams were straight. She pulled her gloves snugly on her wrists, wriggled her fingers, and picked up her luggage, all she was leaving with, just as the Yellow Cab turned the corner and slid up alongside the curb.

'This is it,' she thought. 'This is where I start over and leave all that was behind.'

Down the steps and into the cab, the gentlemanly cabbie relieving her of her cases and stowing them in the boot. She sat down in the roomy back seat and smoothed her light blue skirt as she settled in for the short ride to the train station.

As the cab pulled away, the feeling of apprehension and nervousness was replaced by a flutter of excitement. She felt her face flush. She was also aware she was smiling.

"Where ya going, miss?" The cabbie looked up at her from the rear-view mirror. She noticed he had kind, dark-brown eyes and a slight accent she couldn't place. "Travelling for business or pleasure?"

She had to think about that for a moment.

"Well, I guess you could call it a combination of both," Amelia replied. "It's time for me to leave here, leave myself behind, and see if I can flourish somewhere else."

"Where might that be? Heading for the West Coast then?"

"Not sure, really." Amelia thought for a brief moment, feeling braver and more adventurous as they moved farther and farther away from the big green house with the front porch and the big bank of hydrangeas out front. "I'm thinking of buying a ticket all the way out to California but, since I don't have any schedule to stick to, I'm thinking of disembarking at different stops along the way, should I feel the desire to explore or roam. Or if I just feel like getting off the train for a day or so. I can hop off and on along the way for no extra charge."

The cabbie's eyes widened a bit. "You are going off to travel alone? With no particular destination in mind? Miss, if I may say, you are what they call these days a liberated woman. I will wish you a very safe and pleasant trip and pray that you find what you are looking for. I will worry about you but I can see fire in your eyes. You have a look of determination. Did you know that?"

Amelia looked down at her white gloves with the little pearl buttons at the cuff. "Hmm, I have never thought of myself that way. I think you just instilled me with more confidence that I had when I got in the taxi. Funny how a chance meeting with a complete stranger can strengthen you. My hands aren't shaking anymore. I'm not thinking 'Have I made a mistake' anymore. I feel like I am leaning forward into my future all of a sudden, sir. That's all because of your encouraging and kind words. So I thank you for that."

"No, no, miss. I am simply who I am. I hear so many stories throughout my day, every day that I drive. I have a happy life, job security that allows me to make a life for my family, my wife and children that I love and that love me. These are things that make my life complete. I enjoy hearing the stories of others. It helps me to remember that we all are looking. Some of us have found it and some are on their journey to find it. It is what makes life worth living, I suppose."

"I understand," Amelia smiled and replied. "I thought I had what I had been looking for. I really did. There was a family tragedy, that I'd rather not share, that made me realize that everything is temporary. It also made me see that being mild and content and being truly happy in life, are two very different things. I look forward to seeing if I can find what will make me truly happy in life. I really do. And I'm going to be brave about it. Life is too short to play it safe."

Saturday, August 10, 2019

Dream of Another Life

Last night, it started with a darkened room.

I was in a place that was familiar and friendly. Many surrounding me were those that I knew. More than mere acquaintances, many were loose friends. You know what I mean by that. When we are together, we couldn't be tighter, but now that we are apart, running in different circles on different schedules, we connect and say hello and send hearts and I love and miss you's on Facebook. For the moment it seems like we are back 5 years. But in reality, I will only see you if you are working when I am shopping. Sad, but that's life. That is one of the main things that broke me. You know when.

The End is the Birth of the Beginning

An old, old mansion in an old, old American city. That means not very old at all.

The old woman, the last survivor of the family that built this behemoth has finally found a way to go on to another plane of existence. She also has figured out how to stay.

Butterflies come to life on the fingertips of those to whom they breathe life into. Real life. Not how thay have lived thus far. But who they transform into. It is magical and terrifying.

A doll, benign with faded ivory and porcelain. The doll becomes dark, its own twin. carrying dark thoughts deep within to secret away.

Photographs that line a study on the 3rd floor. Black and white snaps that capture the history of the country and its development of celebrity. They step out of the photos and become reborn. Those who were unhappy are happy. Those that were corrupt come back tortured. Those drunk with power come back young and helpless, in need of help from others.

Those close to the family or those vaguely related through marriage or whatnot...
They chat in and out of these rooms, discover themselves, become other people, realize they are not who they think they are. The snooty are cowardly. The meek are inspirational.

The little boy who never spoke said, "There's a ghost in the garden."

The building was made of dark, red granite. And the stones had been cut by hand; cut by the rough, weathered hands of the proud men who had been blessed with the talent and vision to make art from ordinary blocks of stone. These were the craftsmen from scattered European countries.

This house looked like an exaggerated painting in the late afternoon sun. Blood red on the side lit from the sun and so dark that it looked nearly black on the north. The granite block, which had been coaxed from mined stone, was the color of dried blood and it had a heavy scattering of sparkling crystals in the blackest of blacks.


Completion

(Hollywood & Western, if anyone knows the area), so laying in bed, not sleeping (as usual), and I saw in my mind the story through to the end. It made the story complete and complex, a perfect way to bring the 2 main characters to the end of their relationship and an emotionally charged parting of the ways as they went on their seperate paths beyond the end of the story.

The next day...I felt as if I'd finished the story and had no further desire to actually type it out (yes, on a manual typewriter...this was the late 80s) and complete it the way I saw it in my head. To this day, I remember the ending, I still think it's wonderful, and I've never written it down. I know I still have those typewritten pages in a folder but I am not sure where it is.

I have almost 10 stories that I "am writing" currently that I rarely visit and add to, except on the rare occasion. It bothers me. Not only am I doing the stories a disservice, I feel I am preventing myself from developing further as a writer. I can come up with a great idea, get it going and initially write for hours....and then I set it aside. And again, it's usually because I have decided how it ends...or what I want to convey with it...I don't know what it is. Fear of failure? Fear of success? A wildly out-of-control affliction of procrastination? That's more likely it than anything else. I can procrastinate like no other.

I am not sure how to break this cycle, to teach myself to want to finish my projects. I've been like this since I was very young. I wrote as a child and I had one notebook, pages and pages of ideas for stories, and I had a separate notebook of completed VERY short stories and meandering poems.

I recently found a canvas bag containing a dozen or so folders, filled with my writing. One had all the songs my band used to play. My  handwritten lyrics and my weird way of writing music (it looks more like algebraic formulas than music, but I can read it so...). So many songs...and all complete.

Another folder has all my completed teeny tiny stories. Usually no longer than 2 notebook pages written by hand or one typed legal length piece of paper.

See? Those I can finish because I can write them as I see them develop and I can end them when I think of an ending.

The longer projects, what I really would love to see through to an end, those are the more difficult. I've tried outlining, writing a synopsis and then expanding on that...nothing has worked. So I am working on almost a dozen stories and maybe always will be.

Saturday, August 3, 2019

The Spark


Sitting alone and in the dark
The darkness of an empty mind
Reaching desperately for something
Anything...a feeling, a thought
A flash of color as you close your eyes

You hear someone walking down
the hallway outside your door
Footsteps growing louder, then softer
Then there is nothing
Blissful silence for just a moment

You try to write down words
just one or two
that might set you on a journey
but those words fall flat
and then the dreaded feeling
that feeling of desperation
as you wonder where it all is

Let's go for a walk, you think
it's 4 in the morning and you can't sleep
So on with the shoes, stretching
and rhythmically counting
As you tend to do when your head is empty

Out the building and to the right
down the street to the trail around the lake
If your mother knew you were out in the
middle of the night walking by yourself
she would be aghast, and worried
Don't worry Mom, you think, I'm safe

A mile in and you feel the familiar swirl
and it starts to happen, of course
here you are a mile from your notebook
You vow to remember what is forming
You can see a pattern emerging
It is brighter than your surroundings

The lake trail is two miles or so
And you might as well keep going
Turning back might interrupt your flow
Stop thinking about what might happen
and get back to your words

Feed that spark, give it a melody
give it dialogue and scenery
Make it real, make it otherwordly
Just make it solid
Start to repeat what you want to keep
Repeat it again, sing it in your head

Visualize the setting, the circumstances
But don't dwell on those things
You might lose what you are trying to hang onto
Accelerate your pace and the keep repeating
The thought enters quickly that you should
always have a notepad with you
And you always do

Except for this unplanned walk
at 4 in the morning
alone and feverish with creativity
Trying to keep it moving but
needing to contain its whirling nature
only until you arrive back
inside your apartment
with your pencils and pens
notebooks and laptop

Then you can let it go
let it slide down your arms
and out through your fingertips
Breathe life into it
Like creating a campfire out of
a tiny spark on loose fiber
you need to blow lightly and
add more tinder for the flame
to consume and grow

Use your words
Find your spark
Build your bonfire

Saturday, July 20, 2019

Sage advice

Every now and then, we have to accept our circumstances and adapt accordingly.

Saturday, May 18, 2019

Anniversary


05/18/2019 Free Assoc
Word: Anniversary

Scott and I were married on May 5....whatever year in the early 2000s that Cinco de Mayo was on a Saturday. I've looked it up before, but I almost immediately forget every time.

It was a thrown together little shindig. His first, my second. I wore the same dress because I only had one and why buy another if I only wear the one to weddings, as both participant and guest. It was a town mayor thing, my dad had made a phone call in the town where he and my stepmom lived at the time. They had a very successful antique restoring and refinishing and everything antigue-y kind of place right in the center of this historic little town in south-western Ohio. I never would have gone there to get married but Scott was a big fan of my dad's. I think it's because his dad was an aloof, business-oriented asshole and my dad was a down-to-earth, asshole of his own making. Two different paths. He'd always be an asshole to me but it was fine if he had a fan in my betrothed.

Going on, little did I know Scott was wearing, I think, a Methadone patch or something of some sort. I didn't notice because I'd taken my daily meds like normal, that control all my mental health issues, but had thrown a valium or two in as well. Neither of us knew that the other was altered by drugs. We had both started drinking at about 10 am. The ceremony was at 1, I think. I really can't remember. Like I said, I don't even remember the year.

Time marches on...this is where the montage of good times and bad would happen if this story was a movie...and I left him a few years later. Then a couple years after that, I left Michigan. Now I'm here and it's another 12 or so years since then. I don't really remember the year I came here. The only way for me to tell is if I find something with my start date at the St Louis Park Trader Joe's on it.

To make it quick, the bottle won over me for this marriage. Actually it happened to the first one, too. I am not innocent in the matter but I never drank the brown stuff. That's what it was, and Scotch was the culprit in both matters.

We went 5 years without talking between then and now. His drinking was so bad that if it was after 6:30 or so, he was slurring his words and was argumentative and belligerent. So I stopped taking his calls and I told him why. I knew he'd gotten into heroin and other assorted illegal substances since i left and that his alcohol intake had increased dramatically.

One day he called and left a message saying he would like to talk, that he'd been through rehab (I found out later this was for the 3rd time), was clean and sober, really missed me and wanted to talk. So I called him back. He was a completely different person. It was very much as if the sweet, funny guy I'd met in San Francisco the year I turned 21 was back.

We began to talk and text all the time. It was great, like I'd found my friend again.

So that was about 4 years ago. Things have been really pleasant once I got him to understand that we would not be getting back together ever again but that I loved having him as my close friend again.

Not long ago, he confided in me that he started drinking again. I was really dissappointed in him and sad that he couldn't keep up the strength to stay sober. He hated being sober, he'd told me that on many occasions. I can tell when he's been drinking but he's not a total dick like he used to get. Sometimes I don't want to deal with his nonsense and sometimes he's hilarious and we go off on silly tangents and make up stupid stories about random things and people.

I saw he called on May 5. I was busy and didn't have my phone on me at the time. I texted him back later and asked if he wanted to talk. He did, so I called him up. We talked for about an hour. He is in the midst of a dismal crisis of being where he is questioning the mere thought of existing. What is the point. He knows I don't believe in a divine being and so his despair has started to stem from that. I told him that I don't know and I'm the first to admit it but that he should believe what he wants and needs to believe. He is struggling. He is ashamed that he is drinking again. He enjoys drinking again but hates himself for it.

What he talks about often is as dark as I've been, darker maybe, but he comes at it from a different angle. I know he won't do anything to harm himself but he hates being, he hates not knowing, he hates not being able to have faith in or believe in anything. And he is terrified of the end.

We've talked a lot about that. You can't be terrified of something inevitable, is what i tell him. You are merely wasting time and energy doing something that con result in nothing. You can't be afraid of rain when clouds roll in, it is going to rain. So what. We are all going to die. So what. It happens.

Finally, after about 2 hours of yapping about everything under the sun, laughing and being somber, we were about to end the conversation. And then it hit me what day it was. "So Happy Cinco de Mayo and Happy Anniversary" I said. He simply said "I was wondering when you were going to get around to saying something. Geez!" He always assumed I knew what he was thinking. He's like that. By the way....we are still technically married. I don't even know why.

Monday, April 29, 2019

Inside

4.27.19
Prompt: Inside

This is what you see
Talkative me
Boisterous me
Excitable, funny, adventurous me

But inside I live with my doubts
All these doubts fueled by so many voices
I doubt my abilities
I doubt my likability
I doubt a happy future

I take my meds every day
Most days that I can get out of bed, that is
I try and try and I sometimes fail
I keep that shame and guilt inside

I don't want to burden anyone with it
I don't want to scare anyone with it
I don't want to embarrass myself
Or expose my vulnerability

This wall of mine Is showing cracks
After all these years
After all these places and faces
After all these wins and fails
After all these hours of therapy

I'm in the process now, I hope
Of chipping away at the hard surface
Of my wall from the inside
Thinning it out and seeing through those cracks
I find this activity both motivating and petrifying

I know from experience
There is excitement in facing the unknown
In recreating myself, in emerging from a chrysalis
So many times I've done this
But now I need to concentrate, to focus

On not creating another persona
But becoming myself
Becoming comfortable in my own skin
Become confident in my abilities
I need to learn to like myself and respect
What I stand for and what I stand up for

Funny how I've been needing this for years
Through so much darkness and pain
And it's always been inside me
These thoughts and plans
But I keep all of tucked away

Wrapped up in my procrastination and fear
Swaddled tight and feeling safe when
What is really happening is I am
Hiding it all inside my wall

My hope, as I continue to chip away from the inside
Is that it has been eroding from the outside as well

Saturday, April 6, 2019

Free Assoc Group 4.6.19 DISCONNECT

Free Association Group - 04.06.2019

Random word: Disconnect

These last 3 weeks. These last 3 weeks have been excruciating and damaging in so many ways. All the plans I've been writing out in list form, the indoor projects, the outdoor projects, the little chores I always think about in the middle of the night when I am laying there, tossing and turning, moaning and holding my head in my hands (wishing I could crush it like a walnut), those lists now consume many pages in my notepad that is always with me. I physically and mentally cannot tackly even the smallest task. It is impossible currently.

I make appointments and have to cancel them if it is sunny outside. I have to cancel them when I wake up to that shotgun blast to the face of blinding pain, like an electrical storm is raging within me. I have to cancel them when I vomit up the three sips of water that I just drank. I stand and I my body sways to and fro, I don't know what center is, I can't get my bearings. The blood comes rushing to my ears and temples and behind my eyes. I have had these types of pain before. They are normal for normal migraines. 3 solid weeks of 8 and over on the pain scale is not normal. It is on the verge of being truly intolerable. I have been having the thought that I am glad I don't have a gun in the house. I know my general mental state and that it would most likely be a bad idea to have on within reach. I'm not frightened by that thought. What I am is concerned and aware that my mind is in a state of deterioration at the moment. Pain can only go on so long. Relentless severe pain from the neck up makes it easy to believe death is coming...either by my own hand or by the pain itself, or by whatever it is that gives this monster in my head shelter and free rein inside me.

I have spent so many days in my room, in bed, no music, no television, no computer, no light source or sound of any kind. My skin is on fire. Every smell is amplified and not quite what it is supposed to be. I haven't been able to eat. I can barely drink water. I was able to drive my self to the ER on the 24th. They immediately put me on an IV drip to hydrate me. I was there for almost 6 hours. They did everything they could think of. We stopped short of a "lumbar punch". That used to be known as a spinal tap. Why did they change the name? Because of the movie? The term "Lumbar Punch" sounds way worse. It sounds like a violent and very intrusive painful procedure.

I cannot talk on the phone. The pain from the vibration of my cranium because of the sound emitting from me is too much. I can't talk to family and those that I love. I get too emotional and the frustration and fear and loss of hope and will are too much and I break down. I scared the shit out of my mom 4 days ago when I was finally able to spend time talking with her on the phone about the other terrible things that are going on in my life right now. I lost control. I sobbed. I screamed. I didn't mean to, but I released all the pent up fear and frustration and anger and lack of hope and will that I have right now. She's never seen that side of me. When I had my breakdown 2 years ago, I was here in MN and the rest of my family was scattered around the country. Their homes. I don't usually feel dark or empty living here with no-one nearby that is more than a friend. I've lived my life that way because of all my moving around the country. The adventure and life experience has always been more important. I just don't think I'm meant to secure a root in any particular place. Sometimes it just hits you though, you know?

My current disconnection from environment and life is different than previous times. This is not me falling into a rabbit-hole of despair or self-hatred or not wanting to live. This disconnection is due to this level of pain that has isolated me since I can't venture outside the house. If it's sunny, I can't go near a window. I cannot make plans. If I have do make, or have made, plans...I'd say there is an 85% I have to cancel out of necessity. I fear my friends will disappear, I fear I will do myself in from the pain, I fear I will never be the same, be able to write, go back to the gym, take a walk in the woods. I don't want to be permanently scarred by this but I can feel myself changing drastically, I can feel the open wounds, gaping and searing. I can sense that a good and positive part of me is fading away into the background. My creativity and command of language are far away from me. That is what scares me the most. I need my outlet. I need my ability to self-express. I need this to live.

Sunday, March 17, 2019

ARTIFACT


Free Assoc Group
3/16/19
Prompt word: ARTIFACT

The 'crew' as I call us and I have been searching worldwide, attempting to discover what happened, what the straw was that broke the camel's back, the idea or mistake...the event that set into motion the catastrophic demise of the homosapien male. We have our theories. There are books that chronicle history, always biased toward the side that wrote it and away from the other, that give an idea...kind of lead us into the general direction of what might have occurred. But something doesn't quite make sense. There is a component missing that ties everything together to a logical end. We have teams the world over. Our network is vast and complex but it is handled in a methodical and scientific manner.

Our weekly telecoms bring our teams together from our various locations. Daily we post our findings, extract theories, add to discussion strings, and keep the lines of communication and shared data open. The global HQ location is in Denmark. The team there is the best of the best at sifting through data, proof and theories, geniuses at mathematics, physical and biological sciences, projection into the future based on what proofs we have. It is a very interesting group.

Since we have entered into a time of common peace, tolerance, curiosity, and support for each other, we have made amazing advances. Our timeline of fact, our parallel theoretical timelines, and our placement of historical facts as well as those that are unproven, yet taken as general knowledge, has allowed to come up with a very well-defined history, one that can be followed along with using the tools we have on hand from around the planet. The books, the historical documents, the life stories of those male historical figures that wreaked havoc on earth during and even after their lifetimes, as well as the full and fleshed out heroes that walked the earth. Those that did good. Those that spread kindness and unbiased understanding. Those that were gentle and brave.

We received an alert that something unusual was discovered, or so it was being reported, in the Eastern/Northern hemisphere. That's all we'd been told so far. It was something exciting and of import. We weren't even sure of where in the global quadrant they were speaking. The upcoming telecom was becoming more than our routine check-in, report and discussion. We had been asked by the reporting team to set aside at least an hour or two for them to adequately discuss the geographical terms of the artifact, the immediate theories based upon not only where but how it was found, surrounding supporting finds that seemed to be strongly linked. The discovery team had put together a kind of presentation. They had written materials they would provide to all. And they also requested Q&A time. They had already said they would be setting up a complex in-network string for brainstorming and deeper development of understanding of what this find might mean to the project at hand.

As keeper of the official information system, I am the one person who is responsible for taking all that info incoming from all our teams globally, all the facts and revelations, all the discussions and theories, and combining and condensing into a coherent and complete, but succinct, online collection in order to add to the planetary history that will be passed along when we are gone. We are all on the edge of our seats.


These things are as lost as they are found.

Saturday, February 16, 2019

THREAD - Free Assoc Group 2019.02.16


Free Assoc Group 2019.02.16
Prompt – THREAD

There is a constant thread that runs throughout one's life. I don't ever realize it until afterward. They say hindsight is 20/20. I think that goes not only for what I should have done or what I should have said. It also is applicable to seeing that things are connected. All the events, decisions, directions, actions, reactions, etc.

Sure, we change and evolve as we meander through our lives. But no matter where we go, what we do, who we meet, etc., there is a thread of connection and consistency.

As someone who is trying to capture some of the previous chapters of my life in words and prose, trying to make linear sense of it all, I am seeing that my mental health is more than a little responsible for that thread of consistency and inconsistency that unrolls itself from the spool of Day 1 to Days are Done.

My recent discoveries with help from certain programs and current therapists have been making me realize that a great number of my issues, from depression, self-defeating actions, inability to finish projects, lack of self-confidence and self-worth, propensity toward suicidal thought from time to time, actually and factually are stemming from PTSD that first started forming when I was very, very young, from home life and throughout primary education years, pre-school to end of high school, and intermittently beyond through my 20s, 30s, 40s, and even now in my 50s.

I have been diagnosed, misdiagnosed and rediagnosed over and over and over again. This has resulted in a cornucopia of medications, therapy techniques, mental health programs, personal suffering, sometimes violent confusion, a lot of dark times and some times of surprising positivity. Nothing ever lasts. It's always a struggle. I get that. Still, like now for instance, the knowledge that it probably won't last forever is not helping the fact that I am floundering in the darkness, in a thick, black pool that pulls at my feet while I struggle to keep my head above the surface. Sometimes I just want to let go. I try to keep wanting to not let go. Some days are harder than others.

I didn't really expect the thread that ran through my life to be one of razor wire, rusted and writhing. But if it is, I have to get and stay prepared to fight against it. It's really difficult. Right now, I feel myself being blown against it by strong winds of bad luck, thoughts like “is it really worth it anymore”, inability to access my creativity which is something that always keeps me a little more sane even if what I write, draw, make, play, sing, is on the morose side. I'm feeling torn at, scratched and barbed, dark and empty and alone and wanting to be alone.

This is temporary, I know. I hope anyway. I know myself happy and I know myself sad. This is sad me. I have to work to stay lucid. I have to work to come up with reasons to want to be better. I am determined to do that. Maybe that little string that I hold onto, the one that runs alongside the razor wire that I'm tethered to, maybe that string is the thread that will be the one that saves me. They will both always be there. I just hope that I can hold tight to the string in my hand even while I am caught and cut by the destructive thread that cuts and makes me bleed.
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There is that little voice that is telling me that this is temporary. But I know that, for some, it is not temporary, it is what compels them to make that final decision. I came so close to making that decision. So closed that it scared the hell out of me. And I got help and I got better. But I find myself in that arena again. Things aren't going well for me or this country or this planet. First world problems for the most part, I get it. But things are so shitty right now and I can see them descending down the toilet bowl. Is there any hope? Is there a bottom that we are going to hit and then bounce back as the species we can be. I don't know. Some days I want to

Saturday, February 9, 2019

Silo story - Marjorie

Choose 3: scapegoat, vigilance, motor, boat, reveal - Writing Assignment Meetup - Thurs, Feb 22

People were affected by the bombings in two distinctly different ways. Many were in the midst of the chaos; window glass exploding up and down the high-rises and from the houses alike and raining down like glittering knives, vehicles pushed violently back and into and onto one another, those unlucky enough to be in close proximity either died nearly immediately as the realization and the radiation hit them or, worse, were far enough, yet close enough, to nearly be barbecued alive. Oddly enough, many of the highly populated and bombed areas saw burn victims with intricate or splashy patterns upon their skin; the effect of thermal radiation being reflected more by white or lightly colored cloth than the darker colors, which absorbed more of the heat, thereby creating more severe burns to the skin. There were a few surviving photographs which showed women with gingham or flower patterned burns and men with Hawaiian shirt or buffalo checked burns on one side of their bodies, the one that was turned toward the blast when it happened. Their faces were always turned away in the snapshots but were all the same. They were covered in liquid-filled blisters, peeling layers of epidermis, and a general over-baked deep red hue. The pain must have been unbearable.

The other folks, those that lived farther away from the target cities, in smaller towns and even farther out into the countryside, would all recall that day in stages. They became aware of a seismic disturbance, looked up from what they were doing at the time and glanced around and finally to their horizons. The moment they spied that mushroom cloud rise, bloom and spread, their bodies reacted in similar ways. Adrenaline pumped from the adrenal glands, heart and breathing rates increased as did blood pressure, the emotions of fear, dread and disbelief flowed amongst the jagged edges of confusion and inability to process the event as a reality. Depending on their distance from the blast, it became windy. The kind of arid wind that was too hot and that one could taste on the tongue. Crops no longer flourished, birds no longer sang.
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After the surface environment was laid to waste, the remaining folks had to figure out how to rebuild a sense of community. They had to recreate a societal structure that they were all familiar enough with but that could sustain life without the constant danger of radiation bombardment, although they were not sure exactly how bad it was out there, along with the challenges of living in a confined space without the desire to eventually tear each other apart and how to recreate the things they needed to not only keep them alive but to allow them to flourish going forward.

The basics, shelter, food, water and air. These were things that needed to be tackled first. Or were they? Since the community had descended underground, into the now empty ICBM silo, they needed light as well. Luckily there were some among them, those that did not cause a commotion by demanding to be in charge. Rather those that naturally had the smarts, the logic, the charisma and the social skills to be seen as natural leaders. They were adept at putting forth challenges in a simplified way, even the very difficult ones, so that everyone could understand what was needed. This helped immensely in identifying the groups that would need to be created as they moved forward to rebuild.

They needed farmers and engineers, mechanics and medical personnel, those that could think and those that could do. After the initial panic subsided and the reality of the situation set in, people began to settle into more of a daily routine.

There was a lot of planning, a lot of brain-storming. As luck would have it, there was one farmer who was quite knowledgeable in hydroponic agriculture. That was a phenomenal start. The rations that were brought down were running low and everyone was craving fresh food. There were engineers that specialized in water treatment, and air quality. There were technical and analytical whizkids. It seemed that those in this group consisted of a lot of people who were fresh and innovative in their fields. This would serve them well going forward.

It was essential to tackle the problem of space. They could not all live within the same square footage. It was just not possible nor would the peace be kept for long were they all living like little fish in a tin.

So they started blueprinting their existing space and making plans for digging into the sides of the silo at different levels. These would not only provide living quarters for different factions but also keep them closer to where along the depth of the silo they would work. The machinery that would keep the air purified and invigorating would be near the bottom as would the motorworks that would provide the power essential to keep everything, water, air, power, flowing through the entirety of the structure like a heart pumping blood through a living organism. That is what this project would have to become. A living organism. Technology would be closer to the surface. Food production, somewhere between.

There were two surface levels that, back when the nuclear scare became real enough, had been added and then sealed. These would be the only levels that could receive natural sunlight. They would essentially serve as common areas. The plan was to make them where meals were eaten and where hope, creativity and innovation through community interaction would flourish.


And so, for the first year or so, there was construction among the destruction. Planning went well and the physical execution was orderly and cooperative.
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Marjorie is in charge of keeping the motorworks running smoothly. The system is old and many of the working parts are obsolete, but it is imperative as it provides the lower levels with fresh air pumped in at the proper levels as well as the nightly distribution of nitrous oxide through the ventilation system to calm and control the populus.

Marjorie unearthed the old operations and service manuals that explain how the motors function, the parts...how they function and interact with each other. However, the manuals are in the old language. Only those who have a link to the old language through the storytellers and passing along of family history written down through the ages has the capacity to understand that language, more obsolete even than the motorworks. The diagrams are coherent but, in order to really comprehend, one needed to have a grasp of the written language as well as basic mechanical knowledge of the motorworks that keep the services on the surface as well as the necessity of the life supporting system of the chambers below ground. 

Marjorie had always been a clever girl. When she was but a child, she enjoyed passing time in the company of books. She had been able, at a tender age, of deciphering many of the marks and symbols on pages of books long forgotten and discarded. By noticing patterns in the "words" and comparing the "words" with illustrations that seemed to be connected to them somehow, she was able to teach herself a more than rudimentary understanding of the information in the volumes she secreted away.
_________________

Prompt word - Bright

Marjorie ascended from the silo on creaky, rusting stairs. Her footfalls echoed downward and back up again. It was a creepy sound that she had grown accustomed to. There were so few people left that she could tell who was approaching simply by the sound their shoes made on the steps. She needed to get to her quarters to change out of her dirty work clothes and wash the film of grease from her face and scrub her nails clean before she felt ready to join the rest in the common area.

Reaching the level that contained the living quarters for the manual laborers, she made her way to her room and turned the key in the old lock. The key always felt brittle, the lock like it was going to jam and break. Inside she peeled off her shirt and jeans and worked at the double knots on her workboots. Years ago, one of the engineers had fallen to his death because a shoelace had worked itself loose and he'd stepped on it while descending the stairway. Once over the railing there was no way to catch himself and he plummeted down into the blackness of the silo. Marjorie couldn't remember how long the body was down there before it was recovered. She knew it had been a while. Ever since then, and she was barely out of her teens when this occurred, she double tied her bootlaces.

She was almost out of the rough, lye soap that she had to use on her skin. It was the only thing that cut through the grease and sweat that she was coated in by the end of her day. And the goddamn grime under her nails. She wasn't too concerned with how she looked, in general, but she hated having that reminder that she was a manual laborer. So she scrubbed and scrubbed. Sometimes her fingertips were red and sore at dinner gathering. She made herself a note to request another bar from the commissary. The price had probably gone up but she needed it so she would forego something else if she had to in order to afford it. Marjorie had few belongings but it didn't really bother her. She came from one of the poorer families and had worked her way up to a higher position currently than her father or mother ever had.

She missed her family. Sometimes very deeply. Her father had died on the job. the button had come off his cuff and the loose material had gotten caught in the gears of the mechanism in the lower level. It took only a moment but he was badly mangled He didn't even make it to the level the medical facility was on before his eyes went blank and he went still and limp. He'd always said they should have a medic closer to the manual laborers since their injuries were usually more severe than those in engineering or even higher in the human services levels. He'd proven his theory, however there had been no effort to place a medic lower in the silo. It seemed the laborers didn't garner much importance to those in power, even though they were the ones than kept the entire place humming with power, water, and fresh air. The lowest levels benefited the highest and yet they did not seem to care.

Marjorie checked her watch, her father's watch, and saw it was time to go. If you were late to the dinner gathering, you could be left with barely more than scraps. Again, that usually was experienced only by the lower level dwellers since it took so much longer to ascend. She locked up her room and joined the swiftly moving stream of people, moving up and up the stairs. It was this type of foot traffic that caused the most unpleasant noises. So many people making so many pounding, metallic sounds on those steps. She sometimes wore her earplugs from work to drown out the excessive noise.







Thursday, February 7, 2019

OPEN 2

She awoke to the sound of rattling windows and that peculiar howling that always swooped down from the attic space. She chuckled at the childhood memory that it recalled. The old curtains were moving even though the windows were shut tight. "Next project," she thought, "is reglazing those windows and winterizing this place!" Her feet touched the cold floor and she shuffled to the window, rubbing her hands up and down her arms for warmth. Drawing aside the thin curtain, she saw that the storm that moved across the mountains last evening was a doozy. It had dumped what looked like over a foot of snow and with the assistance of the gusty wind, there were drifts up against the outbuilding that reached past the bottom of the window. She looked over to her car and saw that it was almost completely swallowed up by drifts on both sides. She recalled all the stories she'd heard growing up of monumental storms that would strand them for a week or two in the cabin and sent up a silent "thank you" for having them soak into her instincts. She had plenty of firewood, enough on the porch for a few days, and much more along the side of the barn/workshop. There were root vegetables and plenty of canned goods in the cellar. It wouldn't be gourmet food but she certainly would not go hungry any time soon.

From bad to better.

I very nearly committed suicide 2 years ago. A couple things happened in quick succession, things that pretty much defined me as a person. It destroyed me, broke my heart, broke my soul, broke me completely. I honestly felt that I had no reason to live anymore. After trying to rationalize away the only 2 reasons that I couldn't do it, I scared myself well enough to try desperately to keep me from doing it. I found ACT and, later, DBT. I worked hard to want to stay alive. I dealt with really unpleasant aspects of my past, my early childhood to young adulthood mostly since my pain and my opinion about myself stems directly from years of mental and physical abuse. I learned skills to deal with what life is for those with various mental illnesses. I struggle every day; sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. But I am dealing with things now well enough to not believe the horrible things about myself that live as other voices within my head. I'm on several meds, go to therapy pretty regularly, try to exercise at least 30-60 minutes daily. I know I need these things to stay "well." I am better though. I am better than I was.

Her many facets

Her grandiose scheme
tightens like a noose
swings in the breeze
rots with age

Her elixir of truth
cuts like a knife
sings like a song
falls by the way

Her capricious nature
breaks all your hearts
stings like a hornet
rocks you to sleep

Her discord of thought
drives away birds
gutters a flame
causes her pain

Her rapacious ways
leave thoughts full of fury
quiet the rabble
walk lonely away

Anterra alone with her dream

The morning sun streamed low through the trees, highlighting the fog from the lake and making the mist from the ferns glow golden as if magic was brewing. Anterra had awoken during the night and, unable to fall back to sleep, had found a comfortable spot at the mouth of the shallow cave. The rocks were softened by colorful patches of lichen and moss. Long, supple grasses surrounded the area, offering Anterra a spot, hidden from view yet given of a view of anything that might approach. The night was surprisingly mild, little breeze and no chill riding the draft. During her late watch, gazing up at the stars, she had fallen softly into a dream.

As she roused herself, refreshed and grateful for the open air that revitalized her head and spirit, she played the dream over in her head. It was important, Grai-El had told her time and again, to sift through the night stories that one creates, to be curious and to glean important information, answers to problems or questions. She had seen a cottage, in the woods apart from the rest of the tribe. It was beautifully adorned with intricate woodwork. Stones laid out in designs that she did not know made a wide and decorative border that surrounded the lovely little home. There was a garden, lush and full of herbs and medicinal plants, as well as vegetables and fruits to sustain her health while she continued to hone her gifts and crafts. In this dream, she was older. Grai-El was nowhere to be seen. Anterra surmised that perhaps Grai-El had passed into the next realm in the time of this dream. She saw herself gathering leaves and berries for some compound or recipe. She then stepped lightly to the front door of the cottage and entered.

Inside, it was just one room and it was nearly bare. A level floor made of hard-packed earth, the warm smell of beeswax as candles burned to offer light where needed. A chair, a cauldron over the fire in an enviable fireplace, a rustic waist-high table over which hung dozens of dried herbs and plants, some for cooking, some for combining into helpful tinctures, pastes and teas, and some merely for the pleasant aroma, like a late spring meadow, which hung in the air inside the cabin.

As Anterra made her way about the room, humming and seemingly doing a slow spinning dance and moving items from here to there, she began to perceive a low rumble that began in the earth beneath her feet and traveled up the walls to the roof, causing thatch to rain down and the drying rack to sway. Muddy water seeped up through the dirt and rose until it was over her knees. Her feet were being held in place by muck. A ball of fire descended from the height of the thatched roof and hundreds of lilies appeared on the surface of the water, blooming and releasing a sickly sweet scent. With the water lilies were lily pads. Anterra stepped up onto one of the pads and carefully made her way to the open window, which she climbed out of.

The forest floor was covered with leaves and needles from the trees for as far as she could see. The leaves were all green but the trees had shed them all. They were as bare as in the deepest of winter. It smelled of the cold. No birds sang in the branches. Indeed, no life could be detected by Anterra save for herself, alone and feeling isolated. She picked up a woven basket full of wildflowers. They seemed freshly picked but, when she touched them with her fingers, they disintegrated as if made of ice crystals.

Monday, January 28, 2019

1/26/19 Instead of going to writing group...

There we were. Trapped and motionless. Each in our metal tomb. Packed tight in the roadway like individually wrapped meat sticks that you find on the counter at a gas station.

The GPS had changed my course midway, taking me what I thought was a longer way around. But I figured it was for a good reason. After all, it was below zero and somehow snowing like crazy. You don't expect that kind of snow when it's that cold. It just doesn't seem possible. But here it was, -3 and blowing snow this way and that.

So I took the 94 East exit instead of 94 West because my phone told me to. Then we slowed almost immediately to a crawl, all of us funneling onto 94 with the rest of the traffic. I craned my neck and could see past the banked ramp that there was an inordinate amount of traffic already on 94. And I realized they were barely moving.

From behind, an ambulance with lights flashing and siren blaring whipped past. I thought, "How do they keep from slipping and sliding like the rest of us?" It didn't seem possible that they drove as fast as they did and didn't whip around and into a ditch. But they didn't and they disappeared into the tunnel.

We inched forward, and I do mean inched. I was getting frustrated and impatient. 10 minutes went by and we were still at a standstill. This really couldn't be how my Saturday began. My plan was to make it to my writing group, then out for coffee. Later, I was planning on going to the gym and then spend the rest of the day doing what I wished. Maybe something. Maybe nothing. I didn't really care. The weather was not going to allow a carefree day, that's for sure.

We all descended into the tunnel at a snail's pace. It was maddening. The tunnel curved to the left so you couldn't see the end of it until you were more than halfway through it. Before even that halfway point, I noticed red and blue flashes of light reflecting off the shiny surface of the inside of the tunnel. I wondered how bad it was and would we ever get through this.

I looked at my phone and saw that writing group had started and I wasn't even halfway there yet. "Fuck it!" I yelled and decided that, upon first chance, I was going to turn around and just go home. There was no use in continuing to try to make it in time to have any time to write.

Saturday, January 12, 2019

Free Assoc 1-12-19 - OPEN

Prompt: Open

She sat in the chair she'd inherited from her grandmother and stared out the window, steaming mug of tea warming her hands. The fog was burning off in the late morning sun and the trees on the facing mountain were becoming visible. This was her favorite time of day. When the dream of day awakened and rubbed the sleep from its eyes. This cabin she'd been coming to for 40 years was a refuge for her. There were countless memories attached to it. Laughter, tears, anger, peace, and mostly love. Every family member had left a piece of themselves here. She could look at any object, any spot inside or outside, and a vision of the past played itself in her mind. She smiled one of those Mona Lisa smiles. The kind where the eyes are slightly sad but a gentle joy turned the corners of the lips upward. After what seemed like hours, she roused herself up out of the comfort of her grandmother and began to think about how to spend the day.

She was up here alone. She was always alone lately. Even though the wound of divorce was fresh, she relished her time, solitary and silent. All of the things she'd had around her as extensions of her self had peeled away over a short period of time. It left her naked and aware. She'd always been adaptable. As family members had drifted away or passed on during her lifetime, she'd taken all in stride quite easily. She allowed a grieving and sadness but also remembered to tuck a little part of them around her beating heart so each would be there at any time of need. This was comfort to her. Others in her life found it slightly odd, but that was her way of moving on, stepping forward and continuing along her path.

She'd walked with her great grandfather yesterday morning, along the path that descended from the modest cabin he'd built with his own two hands to the stream below. This never-ending supply of sweet, clear, icy water had always allowed the family to remain self sufficient in this place. It still ran strong to this day. She'd made several trips up and down to collect the water she would need for the day. This was always how she remembered starting the day, even as a small child in her earliest memories. Her bucket was red plastic, not galvanized steel like the grownups, but she put the work in and brought up what she was able to as a 5 year old, an 8 year old, then she graduated to two buckets at a time, one red and one larger blue one, until she was finally old enough, strong enough, to carry the steel buckets. She struggled with two at a time but she was determined to proved herself just as capable as her parents, cousins, distant uncles of whom she'd never been aware. The progression of time and the evolution of her life and family could be told by the trips to the stream. She chuckled about that and looked out over the expanse of trees as she talked to the ghost of her great grandfather, her hero. Then she brought those last two galvanized steel buckets up the footpath to the cabin and began her morning ritual of splashing her face and making her tea.