The Violence We Do To Ourselves

I look in the mirror
and hate what I see
truly despise everything
that is in that reflection
and I feel void of the desire to live
But you must understand this

Inside, I am warm and loving
my heart beating for others
and for hope in this world

Inside, I am clever and creative
words and pictures
ideas that no one has thought before
things that would change the world

Inside, I am beautiful and graceful
diamond sparkles from my eyes
and on the surface of my skin

But the outside of me,
this bag of skin,
is so disappointing to me
because I am so disappointing to you all
That which holds me together, tears me apart

There is something dark and wicked
In all those voices
that are trapped in my head
My father's voice for most of my years
And all the way through school
the kindergarten teasing
the pre-teen mocking
the high school cruelty
I hated most of you, you know
you never gave me the chance
to discover and reveal my true self
I would have amazed you
and never judged you in return

None of you ever saw
the nights full of mania and violent depression
Blades at my wrist, calling forth just enough blood
Pills in my mouth, ending in tearful retching
Driving fast and dark through the night
praying for an unknowing assassin

But I did get wise one day
I mean really wise and awake
Finally and after a lifetime of self hate
I was able to put those voices to rest
Stood up to them and shouted them down
Told them they were nothing and of no use

I used the hole that was meant for me
The one I'd worked on every day of my life
And laid them all deep inside
With no contrary thought
I picked up the shovel and
Looking down on what was left of them
momentarily silent with disbelief
I scooped up what they deserved
And let gravity do its job
I felt nothing, not for one moment

And then I woke up from the dream that was
the nightmare that I believed
Now I don't remember it at all

8.27.2017

FALL 8/26/17 Free Assoc Writers Group - FALL/AUTUMN

FALL/AUTUMN

I think it is my favorite time of year...Fall, Autumn.
Whatever you want to call it. It's your choice.
The point is, you have to appreciate
the winding down of the warm, growing seasons in order to
appreciate them re-emerging again, months later,
after slumbering under the comforting blanket
of brown leaves and white snow.

But I get ahead of myself.

Fall, Autumn.

The bite in the air during early evening
when you notice that the sun has already gone for the day
so much earlier than in the warm, humid summer
when you can walk until past nine
and still have time for a little gardening before nightfall.

But fall: That bite in the air, the cut of the breeze
The mornings with their low, light clouds of fog
that hover above the various ponds.

Mornings, when you ready yourself for your day,
and wonder what sort of
sweater or jacket or flannel to wear
because you know it will come off
sooner or later...but you really never know, do you?

Time to switch from cold tea to hot
From salads to soups
From outdoor activities to indoor comforts

Time to plan game nights instead of picnics and hikes
Time to feel the pull of natural hibernation
that you fight against but can never really win

The smells, the sounds,
These are the best indicators really

The woodsmoke scent that hangs in the air
indicating a burnpile or someone at home
priming the fireplace for long winter nights

The sounds of leaves crunching,
the smell they release is almost discernable
but it is as sharp as it is delicate

You experience far more than your five senses
during that time between
putting the lawnmower away for the season
and finding the ice-melt for the sidewalks.

Fall is reminiscence, I don't really know why
I find myself with fond memories of
this and that...nothing of import really
but taking hold of me
Causing me to look out at empty space
smiling slightly about something
I can't quite explain
but can feel in my soul and heart
with comforting warmth and quiet contentment.

And it definitely has to do with
This winding down time of year.
It's not quite here yet, this year's autumn,
but my pulse quickens with anticipation
as I check the weather for the next week
like I do every week.

It's coming.

This morning was chilly enough
as I prepared for my Saturday activities
that I am wearing a sweater
I am in long sleeves
I feel cozy and comfortable

You may not be able to tell
from the look on my face
or from the language of my body
but I am singing and gleeful
Just underneath
about wearing a sweater

You may think it silly but I don't care
This is what is bringing me my joy today
I look forward to the anticipation of autumn every year.

Just like this year.

Just like next.