Ugh, the time.

3:21 am. It even looks like a countdown.

Thursday morning, feeling fine

Slept like a literal rock last night. No dreams remembered. Just darkness, softness, and warmth. Some nights the melatonin works like a dream (no pun intended) and other nights it does not phase me in the least. Odd.

Last PT appointment on my knee this morning until after I return from vacation to Florida. I should work either today or tomorrow but no-one has called to let me know when. I'll have to call again today to see if Amanda can put me on for tomorrow afternoon or something.

Okay, no PT today. Shradda was stuck in traffic and I couldn't come back later. Oh, well. I know what I'm supposed to be doing.

I've been productive AND lazy today...so WINNING! Got the laundry done. Called the store and got put on the sched for 12-6 tomorrow. Perfect. Smoked too much weed in the middle of the day. Watched some episodes of Drunk History. Met Briggs and AJ at Champps for a beer at 3. Opted out of going to Jason's for margarita's in honor of Cinco de Mayo. Back at home and planning on doing a little packing but mostly just relaxing tonight. I'll smoke some herb but I probably won't have anything further to drink. Not feeling it.

Random lyrics

You always told me
You'd never forget me
You'd forever love me
The skies would part for me

You never told me
You'd never believe me
You'd always suspect me
You'd kill a part of me

Lyrics written before Blackstar came out

Come take me home
I'm done with this here place
It's time to go home
I've quit the fucking race

I'm dying to explore
the place 'tween time and space
I'm dying to give it up
for something or nothing else

I can't give anymore
I can't live anymore

I've come to say good-bye

The Brambles - lyric (formerly Tethered to my consciousness behind the veil of insomnia)

Don't know how long it's been
Feels like hours, feels like days
Seems like nothing I do is right
It's all just a haze
Of walking and talking
Of nothing worth thinking
Am I ever going to see the light
Will I never stop searching

Don't know how long it's been
Tethered to my consciousness
Behind the veil of insomnia
It's all just a haze
Of hoping and searching
Of wishing for something
Am I ever going to see the light
Will I never stop searching

Softly the clouds flow in and out my brain
Caught up on the brambles again and again

I've not slept at all but I took a walk and got a coffee anyway

Oh, I think I may be drifting
drifting and shaking
feet not quite on the ground
skin not quite adhered
to muscle and bone

My cat, Jean-Pierre, has saved me from loneliness and despair

This is my sweet, loving, gentle baby boy. His name is Jean-Pierre. He was found outside a McDonalds begging French fries and a warm lap when my physical therapist and her children spotted him. Or rather he spotted them. When I heard that story I assumed he must be of French origin to seek out the pomme frit!

When I got him from his foster family, we bonded immediately. We've been inseparable since and that's been nearly 3 years.

I had just begun feeling anxiety, social anxiety to be particular, in a much more pointed and acute way. It was starting to majorly impact my interactions with other humans. I had started on Xanax but my blood pressure was very high.

Within 3 months of having Jean-Pierre in my life, my blood pressure dropped to normal range. I started to branch out further and take more social chances. I'm not what you'd consider normal but I'm functioning much more securely in the "real world" now than I used to. That is a fact.

Bonita Beach storm forming at sunset

I expect to be spending the majority of my evenings here. It's a private beach and all the residents are gone for the summer. My mom pretty much has the place to herself. It's fantastic.

Mid-Summer Bluishness - originally written summer 2014 or 2015. Whatever...not this year.

So I've been fighting crippling depression over the past several months. Depression intermingled with anxiety. Intermingled with hopelessness. Intermingled with not giving a shit if I live or die. I'm not "fine" yet (don't know if I'll ever be) but I'm not planning my demise. Like I was doing. Don't tell my mom.

I almost stopped writing just then. What the hell is wrong with me, man? Where is my playfulness? My writing always has brought the clever word crafter out. Apparently, Elvis has left the building. At least temporarily.

Started learning ukulele chords in earnest over the past couple of days. It's fun to play unusual songs on the uke. Like "Creep" by Radiohead. That's a fun one.

Late at night and blissed out

David Bowie

I am still so sad

Maybe this will work and maybe it won't

I want to incorporate some journal/diary type stuff among the other fictional/semi-fictional/poetic/lyrical entries that I pepper this with from time to time.

Random lyrics

We've stayed and strayed
We've bought and paid
The road that we're on is buckled and broken
I've gone my way
You've stayed away
At the end of the day it's all left unspoken

Made me laugh - You made me cry
You never made me wonder why

WHAT WAS IT WORTH

Terrible heat - when it's over, it's done
Later on wonder where everyone's gone
Love it and hate it, nothing is fair
What was it worth? It's all up in the air

Separate lives - seldom intersect
Pleasure and pain - it's an old concept
Neither one matters, nobody cares
What was it worth? It's still up in the air

Scribbling words no one will read
Giving the answers nobody needs
Grabbing for glory for just one last time
What was it worth? It was all in my mind

Tonight, tonight - it never feels the same
Tonight, tonight - do you still know my name?
Tomorrow comes but where will I be found?
Tonight, tonight - I'm going underground



I would burn a thousand times
I would be your Joan of Arc